Setting Boundaries

This week, in my Bahá'í-inspired life coaching practice, I was working with a woman who felt taken advantage of by her 3 teenagers and husband, in their seemingly endless demands on her time and energy, to the point that she was feeling angry and resentful and didn’t know what to do. She asked about setting boundaries. Was there guidance from the Writings on this topic?

She knew about the principles of the oneness of humanity and the quotes that talked about being loving, selfless and long-suffering, but wondered if there were any quotes to support setting up boundaries, to prevent people from walking all over her and so that she could stop feeling like a doormat. What was she supposed to do?

If we’re all one, where are the lines between where one person stops and another starts? Perhaps the key is in frank and loving consultation. The proponents of “tough love” tell us that loving someone doesn’t always feel good, and speaking our truth frankly takes many of us outside our comfort zones.

Like most women, she’s uncomfortable expressing anger – she doesn’t like how it makes her feel. She’s afraid of being not loved or being too self-centred for wanting some time to herself. She feels that if she gets angry, she will somehow come across as “holier than thou”. She wonders that if she looks at their good qualities and overlooks their faults, is she being stupid or spiritually healthy?

We spoke about 'Abdul-Bahá’s comment:

When Christ’s said; “Whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the left one also,” it was for the purpose of teaching men not to take personal revenge.
'Abdul-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 270

Revenge wasn’t what she was after; she just was tired of being taken advantage of: a common refrain of most women!

She was trying to be selfless and sacrificial but wondered if doing things for them all the time was exceeding the bounds of moderation, especially if she was doing things they could and should be doing for themselves.

If the reality of man is his thoughts, then perhaps it’s a matter of how we think about the actions we choose. For example, if we see ourselves as putting up with whatever other’s ask of us, we’re being a victim and if we deliberately choose to develop the virtue of being long suffering, we’re being virtuous. If we dwell on the unpleasant things of life, we make them bigger and our resentment grows, when instead we can choose to focus our thoughts on love and unity.

So then we looked at:

If one person assaults another, the injured one should forgive him.
'Abdul-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 270

She was willing to forgive. That wasn’t the issue. We remembered the story of a time when someone took advantage of 'Abdul-Bahá for 25 years, and all the time, 'Abdul-Bahá would pay his medical bills and make sure his family had something to eat. Here was a time when 'Abdul-Bahá didn’t throw up His hands and say He’d had enough. He just kept being patient, loving and forgiving.

Sometimes it’s easy to look to the idea of boundary setting rather than to focus on love and unity but if we truly want to bring about the Kingdom of God on earth, we have to start somewhere.

What are your thoughts on boundary setting? Post your comments here.

How to Set Limits for Children on Sex and Violence in a Bahá'í Home

One of my life coaching clients asked “what Bahá'í Writings and principles can we use to put limits on violence? (ie how can we encourage enterprise, adventure, loyalty, courage, challenge and team-work without accepting violence in toys, TV and behaviour?

The topic of violence is near and dear to my heart. When my son was young, it was a lot easier: I simply didn’t allow violent toys into the house. On invitations to birthday parties, I always wrote: “Violence-free toys would be appreciated”, and I never had anyone go against this request.

I didn’t have time to monitor the TV or money for the better cable stations, so TV was simply not used, except for the occasional movie (though I did have the entire collection of M*A*S*H, which I used to teach him to be anti-war!)

Fortunately, he wasn’t interested in competitive sports (nor were they encouraged). Instead we cultivated an interest in karate, swimming, skiing, biking, hiking snow-boarding and skateboarding.

When friends came over and were interested in violent activities, I would simply say, “this is a violence-free house”. I seldom had to repeat it twice, and was always astonished that the children understood what this meant and were able to adjust their behaviour accordingly.

When my son was a pre-teen, he was constantly exposed to violent computer games and music. Fortunately we didn’t have much money, so weren’t able to buy these things. When they crept into the house, though, we’d talk about them. Sometimes he disagreed with my definitions of what is violent, and he often didn’t understand why I reacted so strongly to it. Because we consulted, we both felt heard and when I really couldn’t stand another song with violence or sex, he was OK with turning the radio off. I learned that I can’t ban everything; I had to learn moderation and tolerance.

My favorite line was: “it’s not my law, it’s the law of God”, or “what would 'Abdul-Bahá think?” or “you don’t have to like it, you just have to do it”.

We used to read personal accounts of people’s experiences with the Central Figures of the Bahá'í Faith and it helped us to understand the context in which decisions were made. When he could see the human side of the Central Figures, he had role models to look up to.

How do you set limits on violence and sex in your home? Post your comments here:

Forming a Vision for your Next Career Move

Did you know that the average person will change careers 7 times in a lifetime? So it’s natural for people to be considering what they want to do next. The key is to find one that you really love and enjoy. There are a thousand career options open to you today, so there is a great chance that you can find a line of work that you can excel in and which also gives you sustained gratification.

The following exercise will help you to determine your likes and dislikes as well as your career aspirations.

Please take your time in answering the questions, and as you answer, you will start to formulate some conclusions as to what is “right” and what is “wrong” in a career for you.

LIFESTYLE

Identify the key characteristics of your ideal lifestyle – what would they be? Challenge yourself to think of at least 10. (i.e. 2 hours quality time with the kids every night, earn $60,000 a year, 30 minute travel time to work, 2 holidays per year, work in a team, etc.)

Does/will your current career allow you to achieve your ideal lifestyle?


LIKES/DISLIKES

What are your likes and dislikes at work? Make 2 lists below.


What activities do you enjoy?


Which activities would you rather avoid?


Does your current job have more likes or dislikes?


STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES

What are your key strengths and weaknesses? (Consider the following: experience, qualifications, training, ability, attitude and knowledge).


PERSONALITY

Does your current career fit with your personality type? Are you an introvert or an extrovert?


Do you like to learn by doing or by thinking and reflecting?


Do you like variety and changes to the work that you complete or do you like routine and certainty?


IDEAL DAY AT WORK

Describe in as much detail your ideal day at work - what sort of things would you be doing?


IDEAL CAREER – CHARACTERISTICS

Write a sentence or two which includes all of the above ideas, then based on all that you have written so far, determine the ideal career for you.

Assignment:

Research has shown that when you identify a goal and tell another person about it, you’re more likely to carry it out.

To hold you accountable for moving forward, I’d like you to set a goal from this new learning, and post it in the comments: , and then when you’ve achieved it, I’d like you to post that too.

Are you struggling with this assignment? I'm here to help! Contact me for a 30 min free get-acquainted session.

The Secret of Getting Motivated

Have you ever heard these old sayings?

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably heard them a hundred times before.

Are you one of those people who always put things off till later? Have there been times when you felt you lacked the confidence and skills to do a certain task? Well, you’re not alone! This is a problem that almost everyone goes through at least sometime in their life.

Here is a simple equation that you can apply whenever you are faced with the responsibility of taking a decision as to whether something should be done or not.

This is how it goes…

D x V x P > C

­DISSATISFACTION WITH STATUS QUO

First of all, you must be really discontent with the way things are at present.

VISION

You should have a clear vision of the situation that you look forward to attaining through the change. You should also be clear as to why you want it.

PRACTICAL STEPS

You should be aware of the steps involved to implement the change. An action plan detailing the things you need to do has to be drawn up.

D x V x P is the formula of your desire for change.

COST OF CHANGING

What will you have to let go in order to make way for the change? How much will the change cost you? Will it affect your beliefs and ideologies?

The underlying rule is this: you will proceed with the change only if your desire to change is greater than the costs of the change.
Once you’ve decided the cost is worth it, take action. Motivation will provide that inner drive you need to achieve your goals.

Assignment:

Research has shown that when you identify a goal and tell another person about it, you’re more likely to carry it out. To make you accountable for moving forward, I’d like you to set a goal from this new learning, and post it here, and then when you’ve achieved it, I’d like you to post that too.

Are you struggling with motivation in one area of your life? I'm here to help! Contact me for a 30 min free get-acquainted session.

How to Get What You Want out of Life

Different people look at life in entirely different ways. While some people let things happen to them, others go out and make things happen. It’s very important to have an understanding of which group you belong to.

If you are driven by a compelling vision, you have a greater chance to feel good about yourself.

If you have a true mission, you have a better chance to know where you are going in your life.

When you feel you are in control of your life and events, you will naturally feel more confident and motivated to achieve more.

Life Coaches love to ask questions, to help people come to their own answers. The following is a series of questions for you to ask yourself in order to do some soul searching and to give yourself some insights into what you are all about and why you are here. Having the right question, and answering it well, is one way to get what you want out of life:

1. As a child, what did you dream of becoming?

2. Which three people do you think have influenced your life the most and why?

3. If you could choose your career and get paid whatever you wanted, what would you opt for?

4. What are your top three achievements in life so far? What was so special about them?

5. Doing what makes you the happiest in life?

6. Who are the three people who you admire the most? What are their characteristics and qualities you admire so much?

7. Have you ever helped someone less fortunate than you? If yes, what did you do? If no, why not?

8. List out your greatest strengths?

9. What steps should you take in life to maximise your strengths?

10. What is that one thing for which you would be willing to put everything on the block for? Why?

11. Imagine that all the time you spent till now comes back to you. How would you utilize it now? What would you do with the time this second time round?

12. There are sure to be results/ events in your life you are happy about? What are these? Which are the results/ events you are unhappy about?

13. Is there a word of advice you have picked up from your life so far that you want to pass on to the world?

14. Name one thing you value the most in life?

15. What would you really like to do with your life?

The whole point of getting you to think about those questions was to really get you to think about what you want now and what you wanted for your life when you were younger.

Is it easier for you now, after answering these questions, to realize what you want from life and how you are going to get it?

Research has shown that when you identify a goal and tell another person about it, you’re more likely to carry it out. To make you accountable for moving forward, I’d like you to set a goal from this new learning, and post your comment here, and then when you’ve achieved it, I’d like you to tell us that too.

Responding with Love

Thanks to Harley M Storey, the Life Coach Toolman for the following posting:

It has been said that being in relationship is a great way to grow. This is because, we automatically encounter OUR unresolved issues, and often theirs as well! We have all experienced other people, especially those we are closest to (family?), pushing our "buttons" and prompting issues that we are sensitive about.So what do we do when other people "push our buttons?" We have a choice to react - or respond.

When we react, we are usually not giving much thought to what we are doing, this can easily become a fully fledged argument if the other person also reacts without thinking.

By responding, rather than reacting, we have made space where we can consider the situation and decide the best way to handle things.Responding consists of patience, humility and intelligence.

Patience, because we are holding back from reacting straight away and often inflaming the situation.

Humility, because it feels good to react with a sarcastic comeback or put down.

Intelligence, because we understand that in the long run a compassionate response is the best way to handle the situation and enhance and maintain our relationships.

Communication is also really important because if we know that our partner or friend is having a difficult day and under stress - we understand that the reason they may have spoken harshly is NOT ABOUT US, but because of what THEY are dealing with.

The next time you are spoken unkindly to, try responding by asking "Are you ok? Are you having a difficult day?" Then watch their jaws drop and their face soften!

I put this approach to the test myself when I went to my local Postal Office recently. The lady serving me was extremely rude. However, rather than responding in anger, I decided to try the compassionate approach. I visited a bakery, bought a large chocolate cookie, returned to the Post Office, gave it to her, and wished her a great day. Ever since, she has been very nice to me.

Know thou of a certainty that Love is the secret of God’s holy Dispensation.
Abdu’l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Baha, p. 27

So like 'Abdul-Bahá, I conclude that compassion gets better results than anger! What’s been your experience in responding instead of reacting?

The Right to Vote

Canada is going to the polls next week, to elect a new prime minister and the United States will soon be electing a president. Apathy is setting in on both sides of the border as many people are not planning to vote because they don't think their vote will matter. We know, as Baha'is that the old world structures are crumbling, but what is more worrisome, is when people don't vote in Baha'i elections either.

This week I got a story from an email from a friend, who reminds us that the right to vote was hard fought:

This is the story of our Grandmothers and Great-grandmothers; who lived only 90 years ago. Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.

The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketing the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote. And by the end of the night, they were barely alive. Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden's blessing went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of 'obstructing sidewalk traffic.

They beat Lucy Burns, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air. They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cell mate, Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.

Thus unfolded the 'Night of Terror' on Nov. 15, 1917,when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson's White House for the right to vote. For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food--all of it colorless slop--was infested with worms.

When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

So, refresh my memory. Some women won't vote this year because--why, exactly? We have carpool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn't matter? It's raining?

Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO's new movie 'Iron Jawed Angels. http://www.hbo.com/films/ironjawedangels ' It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so that I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder.All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote.

Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege. Sometimes it was inconvenient. My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women's history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She was--with herself. 'One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,' she said. 'What would those women think of the way I use, or don't use, my right to vote?

All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn.' The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her 'all over again.'HBO released the movie on video and DVD I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum.

I want it shown anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn't our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.

It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and brave. That didn't make her crazy. The doctor admonished the men: 'Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.'

On a personal note: last year when I cast my vote, I was acutely aware that I was doing it for all of the women of my grandmother’s generation, who fought for my right to be there. What are your thoughts on elections? Post your comments here:

BNASAA (BAHÁ'Í NETWORK ON AIDS, SEXUALITY, ADDICTIONS AND ABUSE) CONFERENCE ANNOUNCED

You are invited to attend this year’s Conference of the Bahá’í Network on AIDS, Sexuality, Addictions and Abuse at LouHelen Bahá’í School in Davison, Michegan (USA).This year’s annual Conference of the Bahá’í Network on AIDS, Sexuality, Addictions and Abuse (BNASAA) will be held starting Thursday Evening, October 30 through noon Sunday, November 2, 2008.

For 20 years, BNASAA has provided a safe environment for Bahá’ís to experience healing and growth on personally sensitive issues. The power of the Word of Bahá’u’lláh and the protection of the Covenant are the basis and provide the transformative nature of all BNASAA activities.This year’s conference theme is: “Building a Safe Community – There’s More Work to Do”The Conference theme seeks to address experiences that some individuals have had in the Bahá’í Community. Well intentioned individuals can be very hurtful by seeming to dismiss the experiences and concerns of Bahá’ís who have experienced various kinds of afflictions, especially those arising out of abuse, alcohol, drug use or sexual orientation.

BNASAA provides a safe and protected environment where those experiences and concerns can be shared, and viewed in light of the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh and the Covenant.The program will include presentations on Making Connections, Seeking the Wisdom of the Heart, Transforming your Devotional Practice, Suffering, Forgiveness and Justice, as well as a keynote speaker and smaller group workshops that address specific areas of concern: Addictions, AIDS, Abuse, Sexuality and Sexual Orientation. A representative of the Continental Board of Counselors will be there to provide individual assistance.

Because of the sensitive nature of the Conference, and in order to safeguard the sense of safety and love for both the individual as well as the group, it is important that attendees plan to be there for the entirety of the conference -- arriving Thursday evening and committing to staying through the entire weekend.

One of the primary purposes of the Conference is to create a sense of community and safety; people coming and going throughout the weekend is disruptive to that purpose. If for any reason an attendee cannot be there for the whole conference from opening night to the Closing Circle on Sunday, they must discuss this with a member of the planning committee prior to the Conference.

Registration for the Conference can be made by contacting LouHelen at 1-800-894-9716 or 810-653-5033. Information is available online at http://www.louhelen.org/.

General information about BNASAA can be found at the BNASAA website: http://www.bnasaa.org/. BNASAA is a committee of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Bahá’ís of Canada and conducts Conferences throughout the United States and Canada.

If you have specific questions about this year’s Conference at Louhelen, contact BNASAA at bnasaa@sympatico.ca or 905-889-8168.

I've been going to these conferences since the very second one, and am soooo greatful that such a "safe haven" exists inside the Baha'i community, for discussing these sensitive topics. I've learned to reclaim my nobility by being there.

Selflessness, Service and Sacrifice in your Life as a Bahá'í

The Bahá'í Writings offer a vision of the qualities for which women must strive and we are often encouraged to examine the life of Bahiyyih Khánum, (the daughter of Bahá'u'lláh), who served her Father selflessly throughout His life, forgoing marriage and the establishment of a family of her own in order to care for Him. She was elevated to the rank of one of the most distinguished among her sex, and therefore, a model for selfless service for us to consider and emulate.

Whether in the management of the affairs of His Household in which she excelled, or in the social relationships which she so assiduously cultivated in order to shield both Bahá'u'lláh and `Abdu'l-Bahá, whether in the unfailing attention she paid to the everyday needs of her Father, or in the traits of generosity, of affability and kindness, which she manifested, the Greatest Holy Leaf had by that time abundantly demonstrated her worthiness to rank as one of the noblest figures intimately associated with the life-long work of Bahá'u'lláh.
Bahiyyih Khanum: The Greatest Holy Leaf, pp. 34-5.

And in her own words:

In this Day nothing is so important as service. Did not `Abdu'l-Bahá voluntarily call Himself the 'Servant' of Bahá . . . We, wishing to follow the commands left by Bahá'u'lláh, . . . can take no greater step toward the Heavenly Kingdom . . . than that of loving service to all mankind.
Bahiyyih Khánum: The Greatest Holy Leaf, p. 224.

Sometimes I wonder what her life was like, and what she did in moments when she didn’t think she had the ability to meet the need of one more demand? Presumably she relied on prayer but did she ever resent having to be so self-less? What about HER life? Did she ever have time for herself, to do something just because she wanted to?

And then I think about how to apply this to my life: is it possible to be selfless to the point of erasing myself so I don’t exist? Does God really expect us to give every last ounce of our time and energy to other people? Where does selflessness overstep the bounds of moderation and become codependency? Why is it they look so much alike that it’s hard, almost impossible to tell the difference? How can we know if we are truly being selfless, or if it’s only being codependent?

It seems to me that one is ego-based and the opposite is other-based.

When we are ego-based, we want to help others because we want them to like us, or we want something from them. It’s somewhat manipulative. I don’t think God wants us to be a martyr to other people’s whims.

One definition of sacrifice is to “make sacred”, and surely this is the example the Greatest Holy Leaf is trying to teach us.

How do you “make sacred” the everyday chores in your life? Post your comments here: