This week, in my Bahá'í-inspired life coaching practice, I was working with a woman who felt taken advantage of by her 3 teenagers and husband, in their seemingly endless demands on her time and energy, to the point that she was feeling angry and resentful and didn’t know what to do. She asked about setting boundaries. Was there guidance from the Writings on this topic?She knew about the principles of the oneness of humanity and the quotes that talked about being loving, selfless and long-suffering, but wondered if there were any quotes to support setting up boundaries, to prevent people from walking all over her and so that she could stop feeling like a doormat. What was she supposed to do?
If we’re all one, where are the lines between where one person stops and another starts? Perhaps the key is in frank and loving consultation. The proponents of “tough love” tell us that loving someone doesn’t always feel good, and speaking our truth frankly takes many of us outside our comfort zones.
Like most women, she’s uncomfortable expressing anger – she doesn’t like how it makes her feel. She’s afraid of being not loved or being too self-centred for wanting some time to herself. She feels that if she gets angry, she will somehow come across as “holier than thou”. She wonders that if she looks at their good qualities and overlooks their faults, is she being stupid or spiritually healthy?
We spoke about 'Abdul-Bahá’s comment:
When Christ’s said; “Whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the left one also,” it was for the purpose of teaching men not to take personal revenge.Revenge wasn’t what she was after; she just was tired of being taken advantage of: a common refrain of most women!
'Abdul-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 270
She was trying to be selfless and sacrificial but wondered if doing things for them all the time was exceeding the bounds of moderation, especially if she was doing things they could and should be doing for themselves.
If the reality of man is his thoughts, then perhaps it’s a matter of how we think about the actions we choose. For example, if we see ourselves as putting up with whatever other’s ask of us, we’re being a victim and if we deliberately choose to develop the virtue of being long suffering, we’re being virtuous. If we dwell on the unpleasant things of life, we make them bigger and our resentment grows, when instead we can choose to focus our thoughts on love and unity.
So then we looked at:
If one person assaults another, the injured one should forgive him.
'Abdul-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 270
She was willing to forgive. That wasn’t the issue. We remembered the story of a time when someone took advantage of 'Abdul-Bahá for 25 years, and all the time, 'Abdul-Bahá would pay his medical bills and make sure his family had something to eat. Here was a time when 'Abdul-Bahá didn’t throw up His hands and say He’d had enough. He just kept being patient, loving and forgiving.
Sometimes it’s easy to look to the idea of boundary setting rather than to focus on love and unity but if we truly want to bring about the Kingdom of God on earth, we have to start somewhere.
What are your thoughts on boundary setting? Post your comments here.
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3 comments:
Hi, enjoying your blog.... Standing up does not have to be done with defiance. You can simply say "I need some time for myself". As far as people walking all over you goes, don't lie down. Once you know what your needs are it is really just a matter of stating them. You don't have to fight for them. Just do it.
I'm enjoying your blog too Susan. And I agree with Victoria. My experience with setting boundaries with my husband and child has been that if I do not set aside time when I am doing things just for me that I enjoy, such as going to the gym alone, or reading a book for an hour. When we take time to rejuvinate our spirit then it is easier to think positive about the service we do for our families. If she is feeling run down and taken advantage of, I hope she will decide what it is she would like to do for her -- join a club or take a class or whatever it is -- and then just consult with her family about this need. Also, excellent pointers to setting family boundaries are found in The Virtues Project (www.virtuesproject.com)
I can feel for this woman. It seems that her reality is not being honoured. She gives ceaselessly because she loves her family. She organizes her life to be available for them. But none of them has the capacity/time to know/love her completely and they appear to be oblivious of her needs. So how can she get her needs filled? The situation is such that she can't even identify her own needs because her self-esteem is so low - due to being treated as invisible or as a doormat. Does the solution to this situation lie in recognizing the sanctity and reciprocity of marriage? Isn't it the duty of the husband to listen for his wife's needs and place priority on seeing to it that she has a sense of dignity in the home? Yet men aren't socialized to understand this - how can one expect them to know how to "listen" when they have been taught that they should be "listened to". What is a woman to do? It seems that teaching her husband how to look after her needs also falls into her realm of responsibilities!! And when she her "cup" is empty, where can she go? She can pray, but that doesn't fulfill a need or change an attitude. So ... I don't have a suggestion ... I understand the situation and am seeking for a solution as well.
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